rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
be right there i have to get my cape
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
