Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
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Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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