i think my tv is drunk
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
