she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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