i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
