like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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