We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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