He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
