Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
