Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
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We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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