It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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