Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
