the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
