There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
