We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
