You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So vagazzling was a success
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
