Just took my morning after pill in the library
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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