I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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