I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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