we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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