talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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