Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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