At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize