i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
