So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
