Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
