Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
