I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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