I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
