bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
