put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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