I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
