At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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