the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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