I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
pray to the hookup gods
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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