I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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