i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
