My friends, they love my intelligence
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
