I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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