I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
