I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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