theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
