when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
