I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
