How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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