Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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