There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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