i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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