I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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