Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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