he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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