and she was petting her beer can
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
