Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
