i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
