I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Green mimosas i think yes
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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