Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
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Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I did not marry a roomba.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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