i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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